I am a Christmas Tree Snob

I'm not sure what happened to me as a child to put such a strong hatred for 'fake' trees into my head. Maybe it was the fact that we had a real one for most of my childhood. Or maybe it's because I have such fond childhood memories of going to a tree farm, picking our tree, cutting it down, and watching that cool machine shake all the loose needles off. Or I could have been attacked by a 'fake' tree in one of my dreams; I was a very vivid dreamer. Whatever the reason, I despise 'fake' trees.

I remember when my mom turned to the dark side and bought a 'fake' tree. I was in college, so I guess she felt it was safe to move in the 'fake' tree direction. I guess I can understand why she did it. I mean, even though I'm nuts about real trees, I'm not blind to their faults.

1. They are more of an expense, since you have to buy one ever year.
2. Fake trees are easier.
3. If you don't water them constantly, they die and the needles are deadly sharp.
4. They shed needles constantly; all over the floor below, in the presents below, and somehow in every other room of the house.
5. Sometimes the ornaments are too heavy, especially as the tree dies, and the tree takes on a sagging appearance.
6. Fake trees are easier.
   
7. They are a huge fire hazard, especially if you place them right next to the fire place as we did.
8. Fake trees are easier.
   
9. When Christmas is over, and you take all the ornaments and lights off, you have quite a mess to clean up.
10. And lastly, fake trees are easier.

Despite all of these faults, I still cannot help being madly in love with real trees.

Now, if you in fact have one of the loathed 'fake' trees, do not worry. I don't judge you. It's just a personal preference. You are totally free to pick your own way. When I heard of tree allergies, I was alarmed. If our child is allergic to trees, I'm going to have to have a change of heart. Oh I hope not.

Anyways, since my husband is so wonderful, he goes along with my real tree fantasy. I know he loves real trees as well, but I don't think it's quite as big a deal to him as it is to me. But, luckily, he humors me, and I'm sure even when we are 70, he will faithfully travel with me to pick out a real tree.

So, now that you know all this about me, you know the truth: I am a Christmas Tree Snob. Please don't think badly of me; I can't help it.

Getting a real tree is quite the process and it's become a tradition as well.

First, you need the right equipment.


You've got to survey all your options.

Then, the process of locating the right tree for you.

Here comes the dirty work: lying on the ground and sawing that beast yourself (while a punk know-it-all kid provides you with his advice for how you should be doing it).

Now that you've cut down (killed) your very own tree, you get to tie it to your car to take it home with you. By the way, this is the closest thing to hunting that I will ever do.

Once you wrestle that bad boy up the long flight of steps, perfectly place it in it's stand, and release it from it's bondings, you get to DECORATE IT!

For a perfectly wonderful tree experience, it's best to have a raging fire and a glass of sparkling white grape juice (warning: if you are pregnant, you might throw up the sparkling white grape juice immediately after consumption).

Be careful not to get tangled up in the lights. It happens.


Once all the lights have been wound, the ornaments placed (after you looked at each one individually and reminisced about where it came from) you are ready to complete the final step: admiration.

This is the best part, sitting in front of the fire, glass in hand, admiring the wonderful REAL tree, and smelling it's piney goodness. Ahhhh.....nothing better.