There have been times when I almost quit. Times when the uncertainty and doubt almost swallowed me whole, but I felt called to persevere. And persevere I did. With my trusty pump in hand, I fought for this. And God proved faithful. He has given me 6 full months of breastfeeding my child, and I am so very thankful to Him.
I thought I was finished about a month ago when Taylor didn't seem to be getting satisfied, but after pumping like a fool, the problem was fixed. It was then that I came to terms with the possibility that I might be done nursing, and surprisingly I was okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I would love to nurse all the way to a year. But I am not in control here. God helped me realize that if I didn't make it to a year, it would be okay.
I'm not quite sure, but I feel as if it is coming to an end. Taylor seems to be starting to wean herself. We started oatmeal last Monday, and have been trying fruits and vegetables also. The oatmeal is made with formula because after a period of supplementing when the supply wasn't meeting the demand, I used up all of my frozen stash. She is getting used to the formula now, and almost seems to prefer it. I am going to continue to offer her to nurse as long as she wants, and supplement with formula like I've been doing. But I don't know how long it's going to last.
Now that it might be happening for real, I have mixed emotions. I have accepted that it is okay if she does end up weaning herself. But at the same time, I am so very sad. As I'm typing this, my eyes are welling up with tears. This has been such a wonderful time of bonding with my sweet baby girl. She is not a snuggly baby, so nursing has been a great way for me to get my snuggles and bonding in with her.
Today, while I was nursing her, I asked Jonathan to take some (modest) pics for me. I am so glad he did. These pictures will be a great reminder of the time I was given to nurse my child.
To help me remember.
To remember the way she would reach up and touch my face while she nursed, and the way she clutched at my clothing and skin.
To remember the many hours I spent gazing and caressing her sweet face. All the while thanking God for this little bundle of blessing in my arms.
To remember the times she would look up at me out of nowhere and smile at me with such love and delight.
To remember the times she fell asleep nestled snug against me, and I just watched her.
To remember this special time I was given to spend with my firstborn child.
A blessing indeed...this motherhood thing...a blessing indeed.
Side-note: I struggled with whether or not I should publish this post. I would hate to offend or upset anyone. But this is my blog; a way for me to document this time with my precious child. And this is important to me; so in the end you can see what I decided to do.
I hope ya'll don't mind.